So, here i am again. As always things have not gone my way lately, so instead of crying my heart out here i will try another tactic. You see, dear reader, i was thinking this weekend. I was at a party, i does not matter where or with whom, i suddenly had an insight. It was not a revelation of any sort, it was more like i silently surrendered (to use a word much to dramatical) to the fact that i was transparent. I just did not exist in their world. Their world was so alien to me that just my body was there (barely). I did not feel excluded, i was excluding myself. Big difference. All the things and thoughts i have fed to myself for all these hazy years have left me incapable to communicate in a meaningful way. I do not belong to any world, because i always searched for something that does not exist...but it is not until now that i have realised it. Maybe it was like this during my abusive years? I do not know and it does not matter now anyway.
So, where does my rambling lead? Well, i thirst for a "normal" life....but it always slips out of my grasp. My youth is finally catching up with me. Ground zero is here, please take a seat and watch life go by.
At least in the beginning of May, in Umeå, after work and after midnight.
From me to you, i wish you well and thank you for reading all this.
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