What is it about Cliff Burton ?

Since i am taking the bike to work the weeks that i work afternoons i usally listen to musik on my cellphone. Otherwise it gets quite boring..1,3 miles are boring enough. Takes me about 45-50 minutes (lots of ups and downhill i can tell you that much).

Well, last wednesday i happened to have my playlist "Metallica instrumentals" going. So, when i was on my way home and the song "To Live is to Die" started it just started pouring down...HARD ! And it kept going all the way home..i was really soaked. Well, well...shit happens. I guess the raingods wanted to express their feelings on his untimely death.

So, the next day was was on my steelhorse once again..same playlist as the night before. Got to the same place..once again "To Live is to Die" was on. And then the sky fell down on me....again. Ten times worse than the night before. The rain was down in torrents, thunder was flashing and the wind almost blew me off the road. Totally crazy. (It kept raining the whole evening,and when riding home the wind was so hard that i had too keep pushing downhill because i had the wind against me the whole way home (add rain to that, mind you).)

Even the weather gods pay homage to Cliff Burton.

("To Live is to Die" is the last Metallica song that is credited to Cliff. It is a song the put together with unused riffs he left behind. Quite emotional song, for an instrumental.)

Well, things are moving slow right now. As expected right before the holidays.
But as always, i am plotting and planning ;)

Got a little gadget from last.fm to the right, for you to enjoy ;)
See y`all !

Some reflections...

Well, i had it all planned out, didn`t i? Yes, except for one thing.
The one thing that hooked me to Umeå, floorball.
It did not really hit until my last game working for the Dalen Ladies, which i had done for some 2-3 years (not quite sure, actually).
Before the game started they had me come out on the gamefloor to recieve a game-shirt which the whole team had signed and applauded me for my work.
At that point i really did not want to move at all....and still i miss them all immensly (hey, is that the way to write it?). UIK & Malmø FF i can always see on TV when it comes to that, Redhawks have their live-report over the net...but Dalen is a different thing, everyone who worked with them are such a wonderful team. I will go see Dalen`s away-games as often as i can.....but they are the one team that i will really MISS. Actually, i have missed them since even before moving. It just did not hit me before that very day. I wish you all the best girls, and hope to see you often ! It is hard to put words on feelings like these...





Thanks to Jimmy Halldin for the picture !

Working on it, dammit!

Living in Norway now, been here for about a week. Lots of things to take care of !
So do not expect me to write here to often for some time to come (as if that is possible ;) )

The beast still lives...

At last !

Now it is final...cancelled my contract for my apartment today. In 3 months i must be in Norway..otherwise i have nowhere to live ;)

Now the adventure begins :)

pheeew

Time sure runs fast !

This week i am signing the paper for the apartment...so by the last of november i will have left Umeå. Been working like a madman for the last 5 weeks... 9,5 hours every day, 5 days a week. But that ended yesterday, and from monday on it is back to normal, at last.

At the end of october i will be resigning from work..and after that only 4 weeks left..hahaha.

I will miss some things (and persons!) up here, but in the long run i am sure that i am doing the right thing. As a i have grown to loathe the place i am working at (or, more precisely the way they (try to) run things), i see no future there.

Am i nervous? Of course i am ! But also damned excited.

Almost there....

...just one week until the holidays, then another 6 days until i am going home :)

Already now it feels depressing going back to work after the holidays are over. But i am planning on a quick retuen...and staying ! Got some some work to do and some things to discuss..but it feels like i have finally come to a decision. My gut-feeling is that i want to move home as fast as i can, but with that said i can wait for a while also, because my mind is set.

Got 3 weeks at home to solidify my decision. But as of right now....Norway here i come !!!

How the once mighty have fallen...

Now, what is the goal that dictates your life.
And does that eventual goal in any way limit you ?

Hard question, no doubt, but a very interesting one.

Sometimes i wonder if goals are getting so important to people because it gives them the chance to NOT think about other unpleasant things.

I myself always strive forwards i my own way. Because i know that stagnation is not an option, as it only leads to degeneration and decline. Call it restlessness if you will, i do not mind. But there is always a price to pay.
So, is the price worth it? I really do not know, and since i know no other way i am probably as clueless as you are.

Da svedanja !

??

How come it is always find myself here when my mind is spinning ?
How come it is always in the face of paranoia ?

As i feel the precence of that old enemy of mine, i just wish i could be gone, away, somewhere else. Someplace empty, someplace tranquil, someplace comforting, someplace warm.

Now this litany is relieving, but is it not releasing..there seems to be none as far as i can see. Being in a state of....void? No, the antis without the pros? No, not really. Just a slip in time and space, a crack in my perception of the world. A long stare at the sight of time passing by reneltlessly in an utterly alien world gone mad. Is this to be? Was this an omen or a flashback? So many questions that race, so much broken communications. The cost of rebellion is indeed high, the scars run as my ramblings goes ever on without getting to the point. Because the ultimate question is really: is there a point at all.

I am not trying to be deep, quite opposite. The more you try to define things with words, the more they slip away and become...banal.
And this is where we all fail.
And i failed utterly here.

Yours sincerely.

Evening reflections

So, here i am again. As always things have not gone my way lately, so instead of crying my heart out here i will try another tactic. You see, dear reader, i was thinking this weekend. I was at a party, i does not matter where or with whom, i suddenly had an insight. It was not a revelation of any sort, it was more like i silently surrendered (to use a word much to dramatical) to the fact that i was transparent. I just did not exist in their world. Their world was so alien to me that just my body was there (barely). I did not feel excluded, i was excluding myself. Big difference. All the things and thoughts i have fed to myself for all these hazy years have left me incapable to communicate in a meaningful way. I do not belong to any world, because i always searched for something that does not exist...but it is not until now that i have realised it. Maybe it was like this during my abusive years? I do not know and it does not matter now anyway.

So, where does my rambling lead? Well, i thirst for a "normal" life....but it always slips out of my grasp. My youth is finally catching up with me. Ground zero is here, please take a seat and watch life go by.

At least in the beginning of May, in Umeå, after work and after midnight.
From me to you, i wish you well and thank you for reading all this.

Whining a bit (do not worry, it will pass)

Everything seems to go against me for the time being, which takes a lot (if not even allmost all) of my energy.

One strange thing i have noticed. If things like this would have happened a couple of years ago i would have been totally devastated. Now i just feel kind of sad about it all, and wish it all away.
Is this a good development? Does it mean that i have finally learned to cope with misery, does it mean that i have given up, does it mean that i have gone cold? I really do not know......